December 3, 2018: The emotions keep surfacing, although not with the intensity that they were. I think about my parents and the people that I’ve lost — those that have died and those that haven’t — I talk to them all and continue to explain or argue or tell them that they were right or that we just weren’t ever going to be able to agree or come together. I have continued to peel back the layers of my life and the emotions. It’s a process that I hope never stops.
When I started this blog, I wrote about the salt marshes offering me peace. Hiking in the desert has a similar effect — it can be a bit more grueling, even daunting, but it has helped me heal physically and emotionally. Hiking by myself was and still is stupid in so many ways, I understand that, but it has allowed me to regain my independence while helping me become physically stronger. It gave me the space I needed to think through whatever was bothering me. If I was angry at the bottom of “my” hill, feeling sorry for myself or fearful, I was too tired by the time I reached the top to still be angry. Just having reached the top always makes me smile — I did it! As for fear, I’m able to look at it more clearly.
My hikes are a form of meditation for me.